lazy reminiscence

After a long lazy morning spent indulging in gallons of Nescafe & scanning through the grimy old magazines scattered around the house, I took up a thriller novel borrowed from the local library to restrain my lazy bones from midday nap. But the seductive French psycho killer was not enough to take my long nourished indolence at the back seat…and I zonked out! Shriveled under the quilt, I had to unwillingly open my eyes when the light of late afternoon beamed through the bay window and a handful of pleasant drowsiness sparkled around me.

It was one of those moments when I found myself with least of strength to fight back the feeling of nostalgia creep into me. It had a distinct feeling…a distinct smell… the world around filled up with the last ray of light and signified end of another day…that’s when I found myself with overpowering seclusion. The fight I lost, the way I let my incapability to get exposed to those bullies, backstabbing, the first smoke, first dance at terrace in monsoon, the view of adolescence, the teenage crush whom I humiliated, first time I lied to mom, the tremble felt to touch hand of somebody for the first time in a dark movie theatre, first class we bunked, the feeling of first love…first time when I found somebody dead inside me…at times life seemed to be nothing more than a retrospective of black and white snapshots.

I needed to burn the overly dramatic feeling gathered up inside me…I groped for a cigarette. Once the smoke entered within, it seemed easy to calm down…I stayed in my messy bed leisurely for some more time and watched how suddenly it became dark outside. And my phone rang…perfect timing!! I needed a heavy shove to get my mind back in place…and Mom called!! After ten minutes long lectures on my career, household and top of all ‘Marriage’ she exempted me at last. I woke up finally…its time to work…

Quest of verve

After pondering over the sloth Adrika gathered all day, she decided to put some final touches on her lazy day canvas. Took a large mug of brewing coffee…threw herself over the cozy couch and sit by the window of her bed room…after all, nothing could possibly make her feel better than the sight of busy city folks on the runway, struggling to add more zeros on their pay cheques …Adrika was left with immense pleasure to realize that she found a place in the rare category of species who had to bear with boredom in a city full of industrious people…at least for one single day! Thanks to her generous land lady, she could manage a fine share of view of the city through her window glass…in fact she could afford some more thousands only for this (though by the grace of God, surprisingly she found herself sensible enough to not to articulate her thoughts to that money sucking witch).

Adrika fell in love with this city as soon as her flight landed here. But even before she could manage to get accustomed with the vibes, those huge monstrous high rise buildings with uncountable number of offices in each of it, crumbled her with despair. An underpaying job, colleagues who looked more like the werewolves, a boss who looked like a pimp…her job sucks big time! But it taught her the over practiced best excuse invented by the Association of ‘I hate my job’ Suckers to stand with the work… ‘I had no choice’… which she uttered at every morning before leaving for office to be blessed with the strength to cope up with her life.

But at night on her way to home…sleepy & tired…when she used to hear roars of waves thrashing down the shores of city, it seemed not so hard to learn to live in this place…to learn to ‘love’ this city.

She was left with despondency when people said she was never going to find a house of her choice…she was never going to find a place from where she could hear sound of the waves. Every body charged an earth for a sea facing two room flat (God, how she wished to get a millionaire boyfriend!). But then, this country is not devoid of stupid after all (though an alarming rate of lower productivity is visible nowadays). She met with this old widow money worshiper lady…who had at least one advantage for her…the lady was ‘dull’ enough to rent her heaven like flat to a low payment laborer.

So…at last…there was Adrika... took her first day off till she arrived here, to spend quality time with her new found home…after months of neck biting hard work, she decided to spend her day idle…with her cup of cappuccino she watched how the sea washed away defilement of the giant city with setting of the weary sun…who said this city is lifeless?

And the Phoenix flies...

The girl of small town. The one who always believed in fairy tales. Who always hoped and wished she could become the Cinderella once. The girl who loved to dream. The Caring Mistress who always wanted to own a citadel of her own. The one who wanted to love and be loved for better and worse. The child who wanted to care her family like a mother. The girl who wanted to be the Phoenix for once in a life.

......once found herself in the midst of reality!!

It was not her nightmare…it was not something she could afford to witness even in her wildest dream…it was her long hidden fear…it was, this time, happened for true!

Scared for a long time by the terrible cloudburst, she thought the world outside her own-built castle of illusory dreams, has come to an end. Done with her fear, it was time for the Powerful Rebel staying inside her to come out to play. She crossed the threshold at last. With eyes closed, she stretched her hands wide and screamed aloud, ‘‘hit me hard…no matter how much you try I’m not gonna cry this time’’ Trembling with freeze, she tried to stand strong.

It was hard to be in the shield she made around herself. No matter how much she tried, with every blow of wind she lost control of her long protected ‘strength’…she hated to be revealed with her fragility.

But she knew whose conspiracy it was. It was ‘him’ who wanted her to be broken down…it was ‘him’ who wanted her to be revealed with all her weaknesses…it was ‘him’ who wanted to take away her strength. It was the one who threw herself to the land of ‘reality’…the one who made Cinderella to wait but never came back…she would not let him win this time.

Touch of Serenity

I opened the door & run out of my house…as the smell of dry earth wetted with rain water got chance to enter into my soul, the force of enchantment seemed hard to resist. I sprawled on the ground.

I stretched my hand to feel the drops to heal my essence…the gust came to kiss my face…rain drops rolled down my hair to wash away the curse I had…smell of rain embraced me with long craved serenity.

Always wary about the reaction of people around, the weak ‘me’ living inside could never found the way to get out. The rain drops poured on me to replete the stoicism hidden within my core underneath the veil of arrogance….perhaps somebody was there who knew how much I needed a lid to guard myself from the world outside…which will enable me to cry out hard.

The pile of frustration, anger, pain I had inside all came out at one go…I lament alone under the blue…only the raindrops falling down the leaves of Yosemite silently played the role of sole witness.

Unburdened after the long craved relief, did not know how long I sat still on the meadow… when opened my eyes, the world seemed to be full of green, inundated by first rainfall of the season.

I looked up…a rainbow appeared at west side of the sky!

Way to Salvation

She walked down the beach. The web of enchantment spread by the moon drenched in enticing aroma of the ocean filled up her senses. Every step she took towards the deep sea seemed like her walk towards death which extended its arms to beset her with sanctity. She felt tranquility inside her soul when the wave came to kiss her feet to welcome her to the door to paradise. She took a deep long breath…stretched her hand wide to touch the air. A sudden breeze came with healing touch & everything became blurred… she was familiar with the smell drifting around her …it was of him!!

Lost count of time, she didn’t know when he came behind her. She wanted to turn back to look into his eyes but feeling of debility creep into her. No one utter a single word, only sound of waves remained. How she wished for the distance between them to be reduced. How she wished to turn around & hold him close to her soul to make him listen to the thump of her heart…to plead him to remove the ‘musk’ at least for once…to be ‘true’ for the last time.

He slowly divulged his best card with dexterity to devour her in his demise love…he came closer …and whispered in her ear ‘…Let me be your hero…’ His warm breath on her neck, his hand around her waste, touch of his lips on her earlobe…she was sentenced to eternal damnation!

She had to find her way to escape from the castle he built on lie…gathered last bit of strength to free herself from the embrace of hell. She took her steps forward…no matter how much she craved, she didn’t look back…for she knew her inability to pretend would make her fragile in front of him. She found herself in the midst of cross road…life long confinement in the maze of swindle or imperishable salvation.

She was left with unfathomable ripple in front of her…

Ignited Faith

Sin clasped my spirit. I struggled, I cried, I put together all my strength to shout out loud to say ‘Set me Free’…but it seemed like one of those dreams where I had no voice of my own. I was fettered. Beckoning of the ray of glory at the end of the tunnel was impossible to resist. The illumination dazed my eyes…trapped in sin I thought it was nothing but an illusion, schemed by the evil to kill my soul forever. I tried to turn away to make myself realize that I could never go out of the tunnel, there is no hope at the end & better I should give up now, because its better to be defeated by the evil instead of end up the whole Life…I wanted to live more than anything else and if that was the only way left for my survival I thought it was better to accept that instead of hunt for the light that would never come.

I was tired of fighting with my destiny. For the last time I gathered all my belief to pray to the unseen almighty, if there anything exist at all…this time not to ask for a change but to provide me enough power to let me learn how to survive in a death trap. But as time was hauling up its trap to devour me with transgression, I felt the glory coming out from the end of the tunnel was slowly started to ignite the circumstance around me…it left me baffled. It’s perhaps easier to be a disciple of incredulity than an ardent follower of Trust. There fore when music of life entered into the tunnel & filled my mind with splendor & freed me of the shackles of sin, I thought this was no real & as soon as I will open up my eyes everything will be as filthy as it was before.

But He turns up at the end of the road. It was hard to regain my faith…but He made it even harder to turn my back to Him. There was endless fight inside me…it was tough to believe that He made me free of all the evil spirit & I had Him right there beside me to show me the way. I couldn’t even realize when He made me to shed off the burden of disbelief.

He filled my heart with bliss. I got the power to fly without wings…one touch of his magic wind healed all my wounds…He took me to the doorway to Nirvana. When I turned to look back to the world I left behind, I found its power to scare me was not there any more…I had 'Him' beside me…forever!

Hallelujah!

A Night Of Trance Reality

She thought it was a delusion when the bell rang. Stupefied for a moment Zara decided to lie down at the bed instead of answering the door. But the visitor was reluctant to go. The bell rang once more, this time harder. Annoyed by the visitor’s enthuse, Zara had to get up from the bed. Still drowsy, she opened the door. It was slight dark outside. “Who is it?” she said. The shadow slowly moved towards her… terrified & perplexed Zara tried in lame to close the door, but the shadow was weirdly stronger

than she could think of. He came in & slammed the door. Frozen with fear Zara couldn’t even shout for help. The man came few steps close to her & stopped. Unbearable silence built pillars of dread around them. Zara found it hard to get her voice back until the sudden blow of gust entered into the room from the north window. “Ryan?” she whispered. She couldn’t believe the smell drifting around her, the body in front of her was of Ryan! Bewilder by the moment she couldn’t understand what to do. He slowly came closer & held her hand. “Yes it’s me…who else do u think would dare to come to your house like this?” Ryan said in a low voice, which left Zara enchanted in the same way just as it used to do earlier. Trembling with mixed feelings she tried in vein to get hold on her emotions while he kissed on her hand. Hated to break down in front of him but she couldn’t help but to hug him in immense ardency. Seems like ages she touched him...

She hated it, but Ryan’s existence compelled her to collapse. Sat down on the floor, she found it hard to utter a single word to him despite of all the rehearsals she had in her alone-time to prepare herself for this moment. He ruined her plan once again! The immense amount of hatred, anger, guilt she has stored in her heart for herself came down in form of hot stream of water and rolled down her cheeks.

Just like earlier Ryan fantastically played role of a perfect spectator whilst Zara got unmanageable with sudden burst of varied emotions. Insufferable moment of tranquility spread in the room.

Done with weeping, the silence gave Zara time to realize it was ‘Ryan’ who was in front of her…who made her life worth living & murdered her soul at the same time. She realized perhaps life would not give her another chance to feel his existence again in her life time. She knew she had little time left. His exit from Zara’s life made her realize that life without him wouldn’t be worth living no matter how perfect it could be. She craved for him every night…she cried for him with sight of every single thing that was connected with him.

Fighting with her ego, Zara went up to Ryan to try for the last time to make him fall in love with her. She hugged him again....strong enough to not let him go away until he surprised her with an unexpected move…he held her waist & took her to the bed. Dazed by the act, Zara had no control over her mind to understand what was going on until she felt Ryan was slowly unfolding her soul with his amazing strokes. Her wings got the power to fly once again. With every touch of Ryan she felt she was coming back to life…

Zara lost count of time… it was when the night slowly removed his curtain of gloom she realized the first light was shining through the glass. Ryan had to go…she held his hand for the last time & asked, “Whatever happened was that out of lust or is there anything left?” He stopped for a while. With an unfamiliar crooked smile, he whispered on her ear, “I did it out of L-O-V-E honey!” Kissed on her hand, he left the room.

The clock struck five. Zara didn’t know for how long she lied still in the same place where Ryan left him. The music of the wall clock filled the room, but she couldn’t gather enough desire to get back to her normal life.

She knew whatever happened was not real…she knew she could never ever feel the real 'Ryan' again…but perhaps sometimes illusion proved more essential for survival than reality.

The Astral Journey

My heart singed by the chastity…beckoning of hope seemed impossible to resist. Quest for my long lost belief seemed to come to an end. Still I was not strong enough to fight with the fears I had… I forgot to live.

I tried to hear the music of life but my heart was still pervaded with the fragrance of yours…my mind was still captivated with single most memories of yours…you left no room for me to make a new one.

But I knew I had to move on…I knew you were not worthy enough to give up my life…I knew you were the one who killed my spirit. I tried to take help of hatred to gather some strength to ignore your thoughts & extend my hand to touch the light instead…that helped a bit. I realized I had more reasons to hate you.

As I groped towards the illumination, I felt sound of your laugh was fading out…with every step of mine, I was shedding off the feeling of your touch left in me…I was leaving you!

I felt numb as I reached the end…I had the world full of glow in front of me…I could learn the way to live once again. But as I was about to take the last step I got shivers down my spine…I turned my back & shut the window.

Breaking down into tears, I realized no matter how much bad you have done, no matter how contemptible you were I failed to take you out of my soul…My Love for you remains.

Conspiracy of love

Last night you woke me up. Why did you swathe your smell with the gust? I know it was ‘you’ who instructed it to play with my hair just the way you used to do. I know it was ‘you’ who instructed it to bind me with excessive indulgence just the way you used to do. I know ‘you’ are the intriguer!

Still intoxicated with the intense pain I went up to shut the window…but you, the swindler, trained the breeze to remind me of all the words you sang to me on that moonlit night. You made sound of the wind to reverberate every word you said to me which I thought was lost with resonance of life. I drew a veil over my thoughts, locked them into the deep dark room of my heart & shut the window glass.

But you were not ready to accept defeat. You used darkness of the room to clasp me tight & to make me suffer in your thought. You scraped my heart & made me bleed once again.

I wanted to put on the light & screw your conspiracy…but one part of me still wanted to feel the pain of yours!

The Devil's Touch

I screamed for help. I could not bear the suffocating dark & unendurable silence creeping over me. There was not a single ray of light. I was too scared to make a move. I hoped for someone to blow his magic wind to help me to get my way to life.

My voice clogged…I couldn’t stand up to take a step forward. Right then I felt he was there…I felt my blood warming up. I could hear ‘Thud Thud’ of my heart. He was leaning forward me. His smell dazzled me. He held my face up between his freezing hands. Only that moment I realized I was actually trembling in fear.

Few drops of hot stream run out of my eyes & start rolling down my cheek…I couldn’t utter a word. I listened to the sound of his breathing. I felt his face was just inches from mine. He was scared too! He slowly rested his head over my frail shoulder. And as I tried to hold his hand, suddenly he pulled himself back. I could feel him flinching. I had no power to make him stop. Time went by…I couldn’t hear his sound. I searched for his smell…he was gone!

I sat in dark… left alone to fight with my vulnerability.

And that was it. I woke up from my nightmare. But my heart was still running at faster rate. I wiped out the water drops appeared at my temple. I sighed, it was just a dream!

The silent revolution

They say you can’t get commercial success if your film deals with socio political climate of the time. Your film will be tagged as ‘Parallel Film’ & will be out of the race of ‘Mainstream Film’. They say, to earn profit, make ‘popular film’ & if your film deals with a serious content you will get only ‘Awards’ instead of ‘moolah’! But today when I walked out of the New Empire cinema hall I realized why Ingmar Bergman said, ‘No form of art goes beyond ordinary consciousness as film does, straight to our emotions, deep into the twilight room of the soul.’

Being a media student, I used to think why critics tagged films like ‘Pather panchali’ or ‘Ajantrik’ parallel film or art film. I could not understand the conflict between art & business. Why can’t we experiment with new ideas & earn profit as well? Why do we have to treat our audience as ‘dumb’ to win their heart? I couldn’t understand the conflict between entertainment & education (while being the most powerful mass medium, the primary function of Film is ‘to educate’).

Today I got my answer with 3 Idiots. Jam-packed Entertainment, stat value, splendid cinematography, exclusive treatment, wonderful plot, out-of-the-box concept and successful marketing- the film has it all. It won’t be a hyperbole statement if I say this film is a ‘path breaking film’ of our time. I can hardly remember any other film of a decade to earn as much box office success as 3 Idiots does while dealing with a social topic.

The film is perhaps answer to those cynics who burst into loud lamentation with films like Dostana or Dev D, who think modern films are the main reason of ‘youth dilapidation’. The film is perhaps answer to those directors who think people come to watch their film only to relax at AC halls, to have popcorn & cola & have their share of peek into heroines cleavage, so there is no point to bore them with nonsense intelligent films.

But Raju Hirani proved we can deliver the ‘message’ incorporated with wholesome entertainment to the masses without compromising on ‘business’. If the trend continues, it will not be wrong saying that the day is not so far when the whole Indian Film Industry might say ‘All Izz Well’!!!